A Short Story Written by Dwi Sanjiwani

*Cerita ini hanya fiksi belaka, untuk tugas mata kuliah Literature dgn sudut pandang orang pertama :D *

The Man’s Revenge

This insomnia kills me. I have run out of sleeping pills that usually help me to fall asleep. My mind is so fucked up, is it because I’m an over-thinker? I tried to close my eyes and cover myself with a brown thick blanket, I’m feeling so cold now, but I’m sweating. My heart beats fast with no reason. I release my blanket and I look at the clock, it’s 3:50 am. I get up and walk slowly to reach the window as the rain is suddenly pouring down. I sit on the side of the window while I open the curtain, what I can see is only dark. The thunder lightened the sky for a few second and it reminds me of something unpleasant. I know that every little thing that can bring me to my past experience seriously destroyed me. Even when it is raining now, it reminds me of how bad my childhood was. I started to dig some memories that I can never erase. A memory that has been buried for 29 years. Yes it was 29 years ago when my mother, Amelia gave a birth to me. She was 19 at that time and so was my father, Dani.

 My parents got married with no approval of my grandfather. Young pregnancy forced them to stop college and decided to build a household and start a new life. This fact angered my grandfather because Dani is just an orphan and uneducated man. Dani was such a rubbish in his eyes. My grandfather felt ashamed to have a pregnant daughter so he evicted my mother. Though, she had to take the risk, my grandfather would never take any responsibilities about her new life anymore. My parents then lived in a small rented house owned by a miserly Chinese couple named Cici Wulan and Mr. Taslim. The house is located in a China town where many mixed Indonesian-Chinese people live. My mother is also a mixed of Indonesian-Chinese while my father is Javanese. After 9 months, she finally gave a birth to me on a rainy day at 2 am in 1985. I am their first son who was also a gift for them, a baby who was born normal. I was gifted with beautiful eyes that look similar like my father’s eyes. I also have red thin lips just like what my mother has. My parents gave me a meaningful name, Adrian Pradana. Adrian means brave and Pradana means the first son. They hoped that I will always be someone who is brave and act manly.

I could feel the love of my parents surrounded me but everything slowly changed when I hit the age of 3. I remembered how my foot started to be weakened with no reason. I was playing around with my neighbors at that time, but then I fell down. I was just 3. I had no idea what happened to me. My mother was surprised to see me crying and looked so much in pain. She brought me to a hospital. Arrived there, a doctor approached me and checked my feet. Then, I saw my mother cried while the doctor talked to her. I thought the doctor was explaining something about my illness.

“What happened to me, mom?”

“You’ll be okay honey, you’re okay, don’t worry”

About an hour later, my father came into the room where I was treated. He looked so afraid. I could see he was still wearing his dirty mechanic shirt.

          “What happened?” he asked my mother

          “The polio virus has infected him. He is now in a condition where a paralyzes spinal  polio has affected his ability to walk. His left foot is now endangered” she explained my condition to my father while crying.

  Few weeks has passed by. I didn’t have to be treated in the hospital anymore but home. I started to feel that I’ve lost my parents’ attention. My father never played with me again, he always said that he was tired when I asked him to join me to play around. My mother, who was a tailor never had time to play with me either. I could understand that though, they were busy or was it because my feet were no longer normal? I could still walk because my right foot worked normally even though I had to use a walking stick to help me not to fall because this disease caused my left foot became thinner and weaker than my right foot.

***

3 months later, my mother got pregnant. I was happy because I thought I would have a little brother or sister to play with. After she gave a birth to his second son, yes the baby is a boy, my only brother. My parents gave him a meaningful name, Guruh Permana which means a smart person who has a strong personality. Guruh was born normal. He is a really handsome boy. His nose is pointed just like our father’s nose, his eyes look like our mother’s eyes and so do his lips. He’s such an Adonis.

          Guruh then became my parents’ most beloved son. I could feel how we were treated differently. I was 7 at that time while Guruh was still 3. My mother took care of Guruh most of the time and my father loved to play with him, but in contrast they never had time for me. Sometimes I cried in my room because I felt so lonely. Where could I find a figure of a wise man? or a figure of a loving woman? They never listened to my story when I need somebody to talk to. They never had time to accompany me to go to school. What they could do was angry and yelled at me when I did little mistake, they were ashamed of me because I’m not normal. I envy all my friends who were normal and lived a happy childhood phase. I was strong enough to walk to the school by my own even though some of my friends bullied me because of my abnormal feet, but this is how life taught me to be strong. I am used to do everything by myself; cleaning the house, washing the laundry, ironing the clothes and taking care of my little brother when my parents were busy with their job. I entertain myself by playing with Guruh, yes luckily we had a strong bond. Even though my parents clearly loved Guruh than me, I am still his brother who will always protect and love him no matter what. 

Few years later I was in the 6^th grade of elementary school and Guruh was in the 1^st grade, before going to school I had to cook the rice, and boil the water while my mother was still at the market. It was 5 in the morning. Suddenly Guruh came to the kitchen and tickled my waist as he wanted to play with me.

“Guruh, I’m still busy, and this is too early to play, go back to sleep brother”

“Let’s play hide and seek Adrian! Yesterday you said you would play hide and seek again right?”

“Yes but not this morning! It’s too early”

Guruh kept tickling me until I accidentally dropped the boiling water on Guruh’s face.  I was so panic because Guruh started to cry very loudly. My father came to the kitchen and surprised to see what happened. He thought that I dropped it to Guruh’s face because I envy him.

“Adrian!! You are the dumbest boy I’ve ever known! How dare you are to drop that boiling water on Guruh’s face, you fool! I know you must be envy of him because I love him more than you, don’t you?!” my father yelled at me angrily

“No dad, I was just…”

“Arghh..! I’m sick to hear your voice!” my father won’t listen to me. He walked away while carrying Guruh.

After that accident, my parents didn’t seem to care about me anymore. They were an evil to me. They treated me like I was a worthless piece of shit. The only person who cared about me was Guruh. He cheered me up every time he saw me crying.

***

It was raining on Tuesday morning. The thunder was blaring really hard like it was trying to take my hearings ability. I was afraid if god would take another part of my body or if he would turn it into another abnormal part of the body. My heart beat really fast when the heavy rain poured on my pellicle that covers my thin body as I pedal the secondhand bike given by Cici Wulan and Mr. Taslim. My feet were steady enough to pedal the bike while I held an umbrella on my right hand, but still the rain drops splashed my school uniform. I don’t care, I had to go to school, which I thought was better than home. I really wish home was a safe place for me, but no. Home only brought me to sadness and insecurity feeling. My tears dissolve with the rain drops as I kept pedaling my bike. Nobody could see me crying at that time. Nobody.

At school, I was also treated differently. Some friends bullied me because I wasn’t normal. They made a joke about me most of the time and hurt me physically when no teachers were around. One day I was locked in the toilet with some bullies, luckily Guruh saved me. We were in the same school and he was my only friend. I never felt jealous of him even though I knew he was treated very special by our parents. His kind personality always put me in a good feeling. He could cheer me up when nobody cared.

The worst thing happened to me on a day when my mother told me not to go to school. I had to accompany her to go to a traditional market which was located so far away from my house. I didn’t know what she would buy in the market. She walked really quickly without caring my condition. I shout “Mom, wait! My left foot hurt!”. She didn’t even look back and kept walking. Until I realized that I had lost her. I couldn’t see her anymore. I was panic in the middle of a crowded traditional market.

Suddenly a tall dark skinned guy grabbed my right hand and told me to shut up. I saw a gun in his pocket. I wanted to shout but I was too afraid if he would shoot me. He forced me to get inside a dirty black car. I couldn’t do anything but willing to do what he told me. There were 3 men in the car who looked ferocious. I started to cry and shout out loud but then one of the guys stuffed a handkerchief to my mouth until I fainted. When I woke up I realized that I was being kidnapped by a gang of thugs. I didn’t know where I was. I saw some children around the age of 10-15 were there too, sleeping in a dark chamber. They looked dirty and thin. Some of them were not normal. I saw a boy who doesn’t have right foot, one boy who doesn’t have left hand, and a boy with many scars on his face. I was scared because I didn’t know what would happen to me afterwards. I tried to wake one of the boys up but he told me to go back to sleep. With a slow motion, I walk toward the door and I tried to open it. I realized that this chamber was locked. Suddenly a boy with many scars on his face tapped my shoulders as he made a gesture with his index finger showing “ssstt…be quiet” sign.

“I’m Ali. You should go back to sleep, okay? Don’t hope too much. You will never be able to run away from this place. I tried to escape once, but then I got caught”

“What place is this? Why am I here?” I confusedly asked him

“You’ll figure it out later. Now go to sleep. I’m happy to have a new friend here. What’s your name by the way?”

“Ok Ali, I’m Adrian”

I finally fell asleep because I was worn out. I woke up in the morning and saw some thugs came toward me then they gave me a small container made by rusted can. Those thugs told me and the other kids to be beggars.

“Listen kids! Your job now is to get as much money as you can! Look outside! There are many rich men on the road. You have to beg money for them! Understand?” said the guy who has many tattoos and muscles on his body.

I tried to decline his order and said, “I can’t do that! I’m not a beggar! The police will catch you and get you into the jail!”

“Hahaha shut up little boy! This is your destiny to become a beggar! All of you were born abnormal! Your fate is to be beggars, to get people to feel sorry about your abnormal condition so they will give you money!”

I couldn’t say anything but cry after he said that. Some children told me to be strong and embraced me gently. They told me that I would be accustomed by this condition and to be a beggar or street musician was not as cruel as what it looked like.

Week after week have passed by, I spent my time as a beggar in the road full of pollution, traffic, beggars and street musician. I am used to hang with many street thugs as I grew older, but I could honestly feel that I am happy to be one of them. I got many friends in this environment because we have the same fate and things in common. I feel free to express myself without being burdened psychologically just like what I used to get when I lived with my parents. In other hand, I do really miss my brother, Guruh.

I am now 29 years old. I’ve been living in a big dirty hut where many beggars and thugs live. As the thunder keep blaring, I realized how far I’ve dig those memories about how I could get into my position right now. I suddenly think about Guruh.

Where is he now? What is his job now? I miss him so much…

What would he think about me if he knew that I am now a thug? I would feel so ashamed of myself…

I see the clock once again and it is 4:50 am. I still hardly fall asleep. My mind goes crazy thinking about how poor my life is. I blame everything on God because he never listens to me, he never gives me the real happiness, he is not fair and he is not even real. I’m so tired for being a useless person. I’m tired for being a poor guy. I envy all those rich kids that have money and surrounded by their loving family because I can never be in that position. I suddenly think about something crazy. If I couldn’t change my fate as a poor guy who suffers unhappiness and god is unwilling to change my fate either, then I should give a revenge for God. I will try to change someone else’s fate.

          This depression leads me to a crazy idea because I’m tired of everything. In the morning, I decided to come to the house of a mafia boss that I know. His name is Leo. We’ve met several times when I was still younger. He was the one who taught me to steal some goods in the market. Leo sells many ammunition and weapons in his house illegally. I started to think about buying a gun from him.

Arrived at his house, he greeted me warmly.

“Adrian! How are you man? You look so fit now! Come inside my house” Leo invited me to get inside his house

“So what is your purpose? We haven’t met for years and you suddenly come” he asked me in curiosity.

“I want to buy a gun”

“Whoa… a gun? For what?”

“You don’t need to ask what I will do with the gun. I’ll give you the money, and you give me gun”

“Okay, calm down. I’ll take the gun. It’s Rp. 2.000.000”

Leo took the gun and gave it to me then I hide it inside the black leather jacket that I’m wearing.

 I left Leo and walk in hurry as if there was something running after me. I don’t know what comes into my mind. I’m just lost in confusion and anger. Arrived in an alley, I see some elementary school students are laughing at me.

“Hahaha are you being chased by a dog? Look at yourself! You look like a scared lunatic. Walking in hurry on your abnormal feet” said one of the male students.

I ignore them and keep walking

Sweat slowly comes out of my skin. Maybe because it’s 12:00 pm and the sun shines intensively like it almost burns my skin. Finally I stop in front of a school gate. There are so many elementary school students playing around with their friends. They look so happy, cheerful and blessed. I can see how rich they are from their appearance. Some of them are playing with their cell-phone while the others are busy talking, laughing or playing some games with their friends. Their fate is good. I think.

Now I’m standing here for revenge. I will change these kids’ fate.

I don’t see any security staffs there, and the gate is not locked. This condition let me to enter the school easily. Seeing all the students playing around suddenly reminds me about the bad things that happened to me when I was still in elementary school. I was a victim of bullies. I never had a happy childhood phase. These kids are just lucky to have one.

Why God gives them luckiness but not me? Why?

I feel a surge of adrenaline in my body, I feel like boiling up. The anger and the bad memories blinded me very much. I feel like I’m becoming somebody else. The devils inside my head keep telling me to do a mass shooting right here, right now.

With a shaking hand, I take the gun from my jacket and I start to fire. The loud bang of the gun makes everyone in that area become panic and scared. I can see the students are freaking out, crying and running as they want to save themselves. I see some teachers shout at me and tell me to stop. Two victims were shot. I see blood everywhere. Though, I’m shooting them in tears. Yes I’m crying because I know this is not right, but my life is completely destroyed and I want another people to feel about my pain too.

Suddenly, a teacher who is about 25 years old runs toward me. I don’t know what’s in his mind. Why is he so brave to approach me? He’s shouting “STOP it!!” and keeps running toward me as soon as I shot him 2 times but the shot was missed.

“Don’t come closer or I’ll shoot you right in your head” I threatened him

But he keeps coming closer. The panic attack forced me to fire another shot to him. I successfully shot him right in the stomach. He looks so much in pain. I can see tears coming out of his eyes.

 “Adrian my brother, please stop” he said before he collapsed

I’m shocked.

That voice is so familiar to me. He even knows my name. He called me his brother…

I drop my gun and wonder who that teacher is, so I walk slowly to approach him. He can still talk even though he’s in a very critical condition. 

“It’s me, Guruh. I finally met you Adrian. I’ve been looking for you for years” he said with a stammer

“Guruh? Guruh, my brother please do survive. I… I’m so sorry. This is my fault. I should’ve never done this” I cried while holding his hand

“You are the one that I have now Adrian. Our parents…. They have passed away in a train accident” he said while suffering in pain and crying at the same time.

“I love you Guruh, please don’t go” I hugged him tightly as he exhale his last breath…

I can’t believe I met my only brother in this kind of situation. What makes it worst is, I’m the one who killed him.

A wailing siren of police cars suddenly come. I know I will be arrested and I know I deserve it.

Lord, my almighty God, please forgive me…

Please forgive me.

It’s my only wish, my only request for you…

***